"Tone it Up"

So I was going to take a little break, and then this really crazy thing happened - my rent was due! I know, it's so weird. So on, like, January 31st, I was like, oh fuck! I better find some way to pay for this shithole studio I spend about one day a month in (thanks to my bf for letting me crash at his place the other 29-30 days). Hmmm...what can I do....what kind of talents do I have that will allow me to make a whole bunch of money very quickly?

New club this time. Downtown. I went in coifed and made up at 2:00 p.m. No time to fuck around.

The bouncer directed me up a set of stairs to the dressing room. I made haste, waved cordially to the manager on my way back down the stairs, and greeted the DJ. First song topless, second song naked.

I've never actually danced fully naked, by the way. I've been a titties and bikini kind of gal thus far, thanks in no small part to the crippling laws surrounding Los Angeles strip clubs.

So, song one, tits out. Song two; my bottoms came off and all I felt was a cool breeze on my outer (and, briefly, inner) labia. Nothing different but the wind.

Anyway, I thought I did a nice little number. I worked in a few pole tricks (never putting my lady parts on the pole though, I don't know, that grosses me out), I moved slow, the guy sitting at the stage tipped me. Wonderful. I walked off the stage butt-ass, stepped into my bottoms on the stairs and checked in with the very chubby DJ.

"Go get dressed and then wait for the manager."

Alllll right.

"Go get dressed" is never something a stripper wants to be told.

For a second I tried talking him out of making me get dressed, but DJ's don't like to do the manager's dirty work, so finally I gave it up and did the Walk of Shame up to the dressing room. I tried to avoid eye contact with the skinny Milf who was up there getting ready, trying not to note in what ways she was hotter than me or in which particular areas I did not measure up to her.

Dressed, packed, walked back down.

Then, the manager showed. The man was a sphere. A perfect sphere. A sphere with a moustache, to be exact. He was short and round, like that chick from Willy Wonka who turns into a fucking blueberry. Had I knocked him over and kicked him in the side, his fat ass would have rolled out the door. And here's what this motherfucker tells me:

"Right now, I'm pretty full, so I probably won't be hiring for another few months (OUCH!!!AND YOU DON'T FUCKING HAVE TO LIE, YOU ASSHOLE). So, I had the chance to watch your first song from my office. You move well, but you need to...you know...tone it up."

Oh my fucking god.

Me: "Tone it...tone what up? My body??"

"Yeah. So you know, if you want to work on that (I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU, I'M NOT WORKING ON SHIT SO THAT I MIGHT HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO COME BACK AND HOPE THAT YOU APPROVE OF THIS ASS AT A LATER DATE) and then come back in a few months, maybe we can see then."

First of all, are you fucking kidding me?? Come back in a few MONTHS? Asshole, my rent is due TOMORROW. If I'm going to be building up job skills over the course of several MONTHS, it is not going to be so that I can try to get hired at another strip club. Been there. Done and done. I can go get hired elsewhere, thankyouverymuch. And furthermore, you know, screw you and stuff, for being mean.

Walk of Shame, the sequel, out to the parking lot. At this point, my confidence is more than bruised. What am I going to do - go to the fat chick's club now? The place where they take the rejects? The home for ugly strippers?

Couldn't he have just told me they were full and sent me on my chubby way?

The good news is that I didn't let the Sphere's comment throw me into a complete and total downward spiral of self-hatred, which I would have at other points in my life. I think that speaks to my maturity, my sense of self. But it has prevented me from auditioning anywhere else for the past few days. All I can think of is what I might have looked like - a flabby sac of meat flipping around a pole? Teetering on heels? Quaking and jiggling with every step that I thought was seductive?

OK, maybe I'm in a little more of a spiral than I thought. But believe me - I'm still EATING, and that speaks to my sanity.

And yes, I will go audition elsewhere. Just maybe not today.